Healing the Split – Facing Self-Hatred

By the time we reach adulthood we’ve had plenty of experiences and have drawn plenty of conclusions about what is either good or bad. We’ve taken on my labels, many labels have been forced up on us and we’ve willingly adopted some labels – labels such as ‘good girl’ – ‘bad girl’, ‘good boy’ – ‘bad boy’, ‘good student’ – ‘bad student’, ‘good body’, ‘ugly body’, ‘intelligent’, ‘stupid’, ‘pure’, ‘bad, ‘innocent’, ‘guilty’.

Much of what we longed for, simply to be heard, seen, held and respected very often came in measured doses and usually as result of either being ‘good’ or we ourselves assigned a reason for being met with love to a certain behaviour that we learnt was ‘good’. And so this continues on into adult life and it begins to bleed its ruthless judgements of good and bad into spiritual life and into our definition of what is better or worse. This yo-yo between the two states of self acceptance and self rejection is one of the major hindrances to healing the wounded self. We very often transpose the drama of being a child seeking approval onto our spiritual path, creating a new sets of rules that determine what is ‘better’, ‘more spiritual’ or ‘more enlightened’. What if it is all good?

What if no amount of prayer, meditation, yoga and veganism, correct politics, correct thinking is going to get you any closer to your goal of feeling complete and whole as a human being? What if the very strategies we have built around these activities will in fact deliver nothing? What often happens is that we become so blinded by the light that we can no longer see what is in front of us – other humans with hearts and the connection we yearn for. It is not that I am against these things, they are all ‘good’ in their own way, what I am cautioning is somehow believing that we can have ‘more’ of what we want through them, aside from the pure pleasure of it. More ‘God’ and more ‘Connection’ do not emerge from a split.

Very often we create a ‘good self’, one who is more of something, or better at something then somehow believe that this ‘good self’ with save us whilst at the same we reject, despise and hate our bad self. Healing is a journey of returning to wholeness. Is it really the ‘bad self’ that is so bad? Or is it the ‘good self’ that is just another tyrant dressed up to look like a glowing angel in a yoga pose? Unmask the angel and the wound of self hatred will be exposed, unmask the self hatred and the split will begin to heal and all of the fear of being worthless along with it. All healing starts by being willing to tell the absolute truth. Truth is simple, healing follows truth.

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